What am I doing?

Do I really know what I am doing? Now, I am trying to prepare my comprehension exam in Taiwan; however, I am in Taiwan. Yes, it is so strange, and I totally understand. Does anyone know I am really a loser? Even I want to cry, I have no tear. For me, studying abroad is a great aim to practice and to know who I am? It is obviously a connection to build myself stronger than before. Then I might gain some resource and ability to help whom really need to help. Now, I just can hang out with my roommate while I almost finish my readings or papers. And I need to calculate every dollar that I spend, because I do not have any income. I have tried to quit smoke to save money, but I do not even care my health condition. All I want to do is for a dream to help people, but I now even cannot help my family or anyone. I promise myself if I will not gat any chance to enter the Ph D program in UK or US. I will state store my dream in a deep place. Because while I am doing something waste my time, I am waste my family their time, their resource as well.
Thank you giving me chance to know how disgusting the academic is, and how tiny I am? Tomorrow, even I never wake up again. The world will still work, and why I need to present as I am the One, the Neo?

When is the last time to write

After the New Year, I haven't written any essay for myself or expressing my emotion. I just have no energy and motivation to do anything. Sometimes I really hope I can do something, and say something. However, everything becomes so complicated for me, and I could not handle any of them. For example, my PhD. program might not accept my credits which I have taken at UNC since last fall. Additionally, they, ridiculous, are going to point out my supervisor and want me to change my research direction. As an intelligent, how can I give up and what I want to study? One of them once pointed out my research is not multicultural approach, but a communication approach. All of these are like the bugs flying into my mind. That really make me to think if I need to stop or not. I seldom tell people about my headache; it occurred since 2006 when I was teaching in GVIS. I just cannot stop it. I hope before it become terrible or unrecoverable, I need to do something to recode the story of the 43 structures in my classroom.
Dr. Chang told me that I can be an excellent professor even better than her; however, I just so afraid about I do not have enough ability to do it.
I don't even have any brave to do it right now. Hopefully, I will find some paths to face it. If I really can wake wish, I would like to finish my PhD in other University, and try to do my best to empower our world in any possible ways.